The changes in my life started when I realized something wasn't right in my life, but I could not pinpoint it. Against the advice of the church elders who were counseling my husband and I, I read Leslie Vernick's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" and it revealed to me that I wasn't crazy. I was truly experiencing toxic behavior in my marriage. I was being gaslighted _All The Time_ and I had been groomed.
When I reached out for help, the people I should have been able to count on failed me miserably. I also put too much stock into what I thought they could do for us. I spent the next three years in darkness and it got much worse for me before it got better. I became suicidal and desperate, surrounded by uber Christians who all thought they knew better for me than I did and that I either was a terrible Christian or not even a Christian at all.
The resources available for Christian women is bleak. However, as I branched out, I realized that it extended to the secular sector as well. I read blogs from women who were trying to help others on the side, and their grammar and lack of overall direction was clear- and certainly would not be able to take me out of my misery. I read from women who were extremely bitter and retaliative. I read from a woman who was married to the third narcissist in her life- so obviously, she couldn't apply what she was saying to herself and I couldn't take her seriously.
I do want to say that she made some good points and had insights. I do not want to discount that she was trying and real. It can be excruiciatingly messy and terrifying to get out of a relationship with someone who is toxic and/or straight up abusive. But, I needed hope and she couldn't deliver that because she kept falling back into destructive habits herself.
There is one woman who has curriculum that has a laid-out format and a FB page, and she gets about 65% right, but she is very clinical even though she doesn't have a counseling or psychology degree. I feel like she is a little irresponsible about taking you down a difficult pathway and leaving you in the dark alleyway by yourself, raw and exposed without a map. Some of what she presents is spot on, but other things are based on her opinion or current theory. She also obviously values spirituality, but refused to take a godly stand and that makes me quite sad. I don't like the odds of 65%, either.
I am not using names because it isn't a fest to tear anyone down. And even the people who got most of it wrong may still have things to offer. But, I see what is out there and it is falling short. It is an honor to be involved in your life during deep, painful struggling and hope to never lose sight of that.
I was a lazy single mom. I made my mind up that I was going to breastfeed no matter what it took because I was literally fearfully that if I lost my job, I wouldn't be able to feed my baby. And the idea of getting up in the middle of the night to fix a bottle sounded like torture when I could just roll over and feed my baby. Of course, my laziness paid off health-wise for my child and I would never do it any other way. But, if the wheel isn't broke, why try to mess with it?
All that to say, there is a tremendous amount of excellent resources out there. But they are scattered or not specifically tailored to abused women. I am going to structure my program differently so it highlights my strengths and pulls from the people who have already done the work in certain areas that I am not interested enough in or have the time to devote to learning about before presenting it to you. (Not reinventing the wheel in a half-assed way that could jeopardize your healing). And so you are not paying for my expertise and theirs, but the price is adjusted depending on how broad you want to cast your net. I want to be able to make a living doing this, but I will not rip vulnerable women off who are dying for the help.
It is with much prayer, planning, consulting and gaining permission, studying and deliberation that I offer my program. No one will start in the exact same place and no one's story will be identical. But, because abusers use so many of the same tactics, the fall-out does look similar.
I am a life coaching with thousand of hours of study and experience in my toolbox. My program consists of curriculum, group meetings, one-on-one phone meeting nd a private Facebook group. I see my job as keeping track of the big picture and digging in to very specific issues. If you have experienced abuse, you need to prepare to also be seeing a certified, licensed counselor, investing in the resources and pieces of curriculum that were not created by me. If you do part of what I am leading you to do, you will get partial results.
It is up to you to heal yourself. No one can do it for you. But, I can support and equip you and dig in to some of the messy parts. It is not a quick fix. But, things can improve greatly at a rapid pace. Chances are, there are ingrained habits that need to be corrected and I have a plan for all of it. All of it. Your job? Recognize you are being tossed a life jacket- embrace it and wear it proudly. Pray, accept love, listen to what is being presented to you and live it out. Heal, Girl.